As with many things, learning how to argue properly with someone you love is a skill you can develop. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it.
Here are some ground rules for fighting fair.
The first one to get angry loses. You really can’t resolve anything when you are angry. So if you’ve gotten your knickers in a twist, give yourself some time to calm down before you tell your mate what they did to bug you (this time). Getting mad at someone and venting at them only serves to push the real feelings down and to make the other person detach.
Never yell. Raising your voice during an argument can make your partner feel intimidated, unsafe or unable to communicate openly. When emotions run high, it can be difficult to keep your voice in check, but yelling can turn a disagreement into a power struggle — and possibly tear your relationship apart.
Avoid threatening to end the relationship. Saying you want to break up — when what you really want is to get your own way — could leave you sleeping alone at night. Every issue in the relationship can’t be a relationship breaker. In a committed connection, it’s OK to disagree with your partner. The key is to see your disagreements as differences, many of which can be resolved. Try saying to your partner, “This is making me uncomfortable.” It will work much better than saying, “I’m done.”
Tell the truth. Exaggeration, incorrect observations and certainly a straight-out lie will not change things for the better or improve the nature of your relationship. Tell the whole truth as soon as you can. Trust is the bedrock of love. Without it, you are on shaky relationship ground.
If you owe an apology, give it. Being able to say “I’m sorry” is key to a successful relationship. Eventually, you will accidentally step on your partner’s toes, or your own feelings will get hurt. At that point, the best thing you can do is say: “Oops, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, and it won’t happen again.” If you add, “What can I do to make up for it?” your apology will be even better.
Acknowledging it’s OK to express differing opinions is a sign of a mature and nurturing relationship. In the long run, differences can make for more interesting and intimate conversation. Having someone agree with everything you feel can take some of the mystery out of life.
Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychotherapist and humanitarian. He is also a columnist, the author of eight booksa a nd a blogger for PsychologyToday.com with nearly 35 million readers. He is available for in-person and video consults worldwide, reach him at Barton@BartonGoldsmith.com.
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