Breast milk or formula. Rushing to daycare for pickup or taking a few minutes after work to decompress and run errands. Traveling for an important work meeting or sitting in the audience for the fourth grade school play.
There is no shortage of choices mothers weigh every day, and so many seem to come with the feeling of “mom guilt” — that little voice that pops into your head or that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you make a decision that doesn’t entirely and immediately center on your child.
From every angle, moms receive messages we are to be self-sacrificing, in service of our kids and fully consumed with our identity as a mom. The messaging has been so successful that not only are we guilty of policing ourselves and the choices we make, but we are also often very critical of the choices other moms make.
This tendency to police the behavior of others was on full display recently when Atlanta resident Savannah West shared a TikTok discussing her plans to have her child spend six weeks with her grandparents this summer. I bet you can guess what her comment section looked like after the video. Some people called her selfish, labeling her a bad mom and insisting they could “never” leave their baby for that long.
Comment section responses are endlessly fascinating to me. I am always curious about what compels people to respond in the ways they do and, in this case, even more curious about what West’s comment section reveals about who we are as moms to one another.
What gets activated inside us when we run across a story or video of a mom juggling parenthood differently?
A part of what happens is that we interpret others’ behavior to be an indictment of our own. Their boldness reminds us of our timidity. Their expansiveness illuminates where we may still be playing small.
So when a mother shares how she is stepping outside the box of martyrdom, it can stir something in us. Maybe it brings sadness over dreams we set aside after becoming parents or anger we don’t have the same support to pursue other passions.
Whatever it is, it is most often a reflection of an internal experience, not an actual fact about the behavior we’re observing. What would it mean to take a beat the next time we find ourselves feeling judgmental about a decision another mom makes and check in with ourselves about what’s being stirred up internally. This could be a great opportunity to journal and reflect on how our own lives could perhaps be fuller.
Instead of reacting or commenting, what if instead we took it as an opportunity to get curious and offer grace? Collectively deciding to opt out of holding each other to impossible, unreachable standards results in a world where we all have more choices, more support and more freedom to dictate what motherhood looks like for us all.
I also suspect that our reactions to the choices we see other moms make can serve as a pulse check or validation of the choices we’ve made. If I see that a mother stays home with her kids, maybe that means my decision to stay home was “right,” as well. If she chose not to sign her son up for that soccer club, I’m probably OK to sit this one out, too.
It is true that parenting does not come with a manual, and the pressure to get it right and not mess up is significant; but the other truth to be held is there is no one right answer to raising children. What works for my family might not work for yours.
The decisions I make to preserve my sanity as a mom might be appalling to you, and I might be equally confused by some of the choices you’ve made, but it doesn’t make either of us right. We’re both doing what we think is best to take care of ourselves and our families.
This feels particularly important to consider as we embark on these first weeks of summer, filled with requests for playdates, decisions about camps, and efforts to keep little ones entertained while you still show up on Zoom meetings.
As you’re thinking about what summer fun means for your child, I hope you’re also thinking about what it might mean for you. Summer fun doesn’t have an age limit, and you deserve a little time to frolic and dilly dally as well.
One of the best ways to assuage those feelings of mom guilt is to be intentional about cultivating things that are just for you. Maybe a hobby you’ve abandoned or a getaway with the girls that hasn’t yet happened. Use this time to reconnect with the you that exists beyond being a mom — she probably needs a little TLC.
This column is designed to be educational and informational only and should not be interpreted as medical advice. It is not a substitute for seeking the support of a licensed mental health or medical professional.
Did something from this column lead you to thinking about things differently or trying something new? I’d love to hear about it. Or if there’s something you’re trying to work through in your life that you could use some feedback about, let me know. Share it with me at drjoy@ajc.com.
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